“David Blaine was gutted to hear that his record of 48 days in the box doing absolutely nothing has been broken by Darren Bent.”

“You can buy ‘Spurs, The Glory Years’ from most shops, priced £200. That’s £5 for the tape and £195 for the Betamax player.”
“What’s the difference between Father Christmas and a Spurs win? Some people actually believe Father Christmas exists.”
“Darren Bent is ill, so Jaunde Ramos offers to do his shopping for him. While in Sainsbury’s he bumps into Arsene Wenger. ‘What are you doing in here, Juande?’ asks Wenger. ‘Getting a bag of potatoes for Darren Bent,’ he replies. ‘Sounds like a good swap to me,’ says Wenger.”

Haringey council has blocked Tottenham’s plans to build a new ground on Northumberland Park. A town hall source said: “We don’t mind having a funfair there once a year, but a circus every fortnight is a bit much.”

“I was playing Scrabble and had enough letters to make ‘Tottenham Hotspur Football Club’. I was gutted when I found out it was only worth two points.”

Tesco are releasing new Oxo cubes in Spurs colours. Customers are told to look out for laughing stocks.

A young boy goes to social services and tells them he has nowhere to live. “What about your parents?” asks the social worker. “No, they beat me,” says the boy. “What about your grandparents?” says the social worker. “No, they beat me even harder!” says the boy. “Well … where do you want to stay then?” replies the social worker. “Tottenham,” says the boy. “They don’t beat anyone.

What do a toothpick and Tottenham have in common? They both have two points

Juande Ramos, shortly after another training session, comments to the head groundsman at White Hart Lane how impressive the pitch is looking. “It ought to,” replies the groundsman. “We put 70 million quid’s worth of manure on it every week.”

I just went down to the newsagents and bought Tottenham Hotspur magazine. Thank goodness they had porn mags to hide it in.

What does a Spurs fan do after he sees his team win? Turns off the Xbox

After leaving San Siro, Jose Mourinho was asked if he was going to help Spurs get out of their slump. He turned around and said, “No way, I ain’t that special”.

Apparently the entire Tottenham squad have been busy honing their skills playing the computer game Championship Manager. Sadly it seems Juande misunderstood and thinks they want to play for a Championship manager.

Contrary to what you may think, Spurs are the strongest team in the league at the moment. Sure, aren’t they holding everyone else up?

What do the Premier League and a cowboy have in common? They both have spurs at their feet.

A man was found dead floating in the Thames, wearing a blond wig, full make-up, bra, knickers, suspenders and a Spurs shirt. Before informing the next of kin the police removed the Spurs shirt to save the family embarrassment.

What would an improved version of Spurs be called? Newcastle United.

Did you hear that Juande Ramos was clocked doing 169mph on the M1 coming back from Stoke? Apparently he was just so desperate for three points.

Is it just me or are Spurs the team to beat this season? Everyone’s at it.

A man is sitting in a pub with his jack russell dog one Sunday afternoon. The football results are coming up on the television in the corner: “Stoke City 2, Tottenham Hotspur 1,” reads the announcer. Suddenly the jack russell jumps up and shouts out, “Oh, no, not again.” The shocked landlord says, “That’s amazing. Why did he say that when it was announced that Tottenham lost?” “Because he’s a Spurs supporter,” the dog’s owner replies. The landlord then asks what the dog says when Tottenham win a match, to which the man replies, “I don’t know. I’ve only had him six months.”

When a groggy Vedran Corluka regained consciousness in the ambulance leaving the Britannia Stadium on Sunday he asked medical staff who he was. On being told he played football for Tottenham Hotspur he lapsed into a coma.

All trains through White Hart Lane have been cancelled due to a massive points failure.
What’s the difference between Juande Ramos and a cowboy? A cowboy wears Spurs on his boots whereas Ramos is a crap manager.

What does THFC stand for? Tottenham Heading For the Championship.

A little boy gets £10 for his birthday and rushes down to the sports shop to buy the new football he has been desperate for. He gives the ball to the shopkeeper, who says, “Sorry, son, this ball is £20. You only have £10″. The boy says, “OK, if you blindfold me and I can guess the name of the club on any ball, will you give it to me for £10?” He agrees and gives the boy an Arsenal ball. “I can hear cannons blasting, so it’s an Arsenal ball.” Next he gives him a Millwall ball: “I hear lions, so it’s Millwall.” Amazed, the shopkeeper says, “Get this and you can have it for nothing.” The boy listens and says Spurs. The man asks if he’s heard a cockerel. “No,” says the boy. “It’s going down.”

What’s the difference between Bigfoot and the Spurs defence? Bigfoot has been spotted several times.

Spurs have been forced to rename their ground “White Lane” because their “Hart” was surgically removed when Berbatov and Keane were sold.

Breaking news: Tottenham Hotspur have finally won a game. It was a friendly behind closed doors at non-league Walthamstow the other day. And if you don’t believe us here is the proof.

Hard Disk space: the final frontier!

Hardware: The parts of a computer system that can be kicked.

hAS ANYONE SEEN MY cAPSLOCK KEY?

H lp! S m b d st l ll th v w ls fr m m k yb rd!

COMMAND: A suggestion made to a computer.

Hidden DOS secret: add BUGS=OFF to your CONFIG.SYS

ASCII a stupid question, get a stupid ANSI!

Hold a hard drive to your ear — listen to the C:

I am a computer, dumber than any human and smarter than an administrator.

I am logged in, therefore I am.

I are Pentium of Borg. Division is futile. You will be approximated.

I came, I saw, I deleted all your files.

I had a life once… now I have a computer and a modem.

I know I’m supposed to back up my files, but I still haven’t found reverse on my PC.

I was going to switch her to DOS, but she had a gun

I’ll give up my Windows 3.1 when they pry my cold, dead fingers off the mouse.

If at first you don’t succeed, call it version 1.0

In my next life I’m going to have more memory installed

Intel – still number 0.999873464508.